Apology
Dear Jelly Bean, little sister, stubborn grudge holding teenager and best friend!
I can't even begin to apologise for what you have had to see me put myself and our family through. I was and still am supposed to be your big sister, your rock, role model and someone you can count on and call on whenever and wherever!
Everyday I am starting to understand more and more how hurt and angry you are at me for my actions including my blatant disregard for my own health and safety and for the position I put you in when I stole money from our mum. I at the time felt like I had to grow up fast because of the world I put myself in, but looking at the shit I have caused now I can see that you HAD to grow up fast and help our family because of my selfishness and disrespect. And I am so so so sorry that I caused that pain for you. I can't ever expect you to forgive me for ruining precious time that the spotlight should have been shinning brightly on you but I caused the attention to follow me wherever I went.
I can't take anything back, including my actions and everything that I regret which has caused you pain, hurt, anger, disappointment or anything else less than a smile. You have never done anything to wrong me or harm me in anyway and to put it bluntly you did not deserve to be put through months of fuck arounds watching your sister slowly try to kill herself.
The times which I did make contact with you I will admit I needed something from you, usually a lift or a feed. I'm not sure if you knew but I was homeless for about a month and a half and slept at the beach not knowing where to go for help. I didn't expect a reply or help from you but I hoped and prayed that you might be having a good day and that you were in a good enough mood to help me out. I understand that I put myself through all of this drama and I take full responsibility for my actions. But what I did not expect was for my little and only sister and my best friend to give up on me without any warning. It's taken me up until now to understand why you've cut all ties (and I would like to sit down at some point to properly discuss things) and I have tried to do the same and move on with my life knowing my sister would rather pretend I don't exist than continue watching me ruin myself and our family. But I can't move on with my life without you in it. You were my first friend, first cuddle buddy, first love, first partner in crime, first everything. Remember when I cried for the whole first week of high school because it was the first time we were properly separated. That's how much I need you.
A few weeks ago, I made the decision to leave you be. To let you heal without me getting involved. I made the decision to not wave you goodbye as you got on that plane to begin your amazing journey. I made the decision to let go of the hope I had of having my best friend back. This decision has rocked my world. There's not a day that goes by that I don't cry about missing my sister and that I need a hug from you but know I can't come and get one.
Dad asked me how things were going between us and I heard his heart break over the phone when I told him that his daughters don't speak anymore. I watched mums heart break while she held back tears when I let her know about my decision to let you go. I'm torn about continuing to fight for you and letting you live your life without me, because you deserve to be fought for, you are worth it, so totally worth it. But in saying this, I break more every single day that I can't even get a "hello" back from you when you walk in the door. Again I don't expect forgiveness or that you will ever see me the same again, but I need you to know how much this decision has affected me, is still affecting me and how much it will continue to affect me every single second of every single day.
I not only want you in my life, I kind of need you. I didn't think I would ever need to rely so much on someone being apart of my life but once again, this know-it-all has been proven wrong. My pride is super jacked up and my stubbornness is taking a huge beating here but, my dearest Jelly Bean, I cannot live without you. Aside from our parents, I loved you first, I love you still, always have and always will.
I do truly hope the family I so desperately dream of having one day doesn't have to just hear stories about their Aunty Jelly Bean, but will get to have your adventure stories told to them by you. You are amazing and truly inspirational, and I can only hope that I get to follow in your footsteps even if it's for a little bit.
I love you gorgeous girl, so much more than you could ever imagine. If I don't hear back from you I completely understand, but I do hope we can have a chat at some stage.
I'm so proud of you Monnie Monster!
Love Courts
I can't even begin to apologise for what you have had to see me put myself and our family through. I was and still am supposed to be your big sister, your rock, role model and someone you can count on and call on whenever and wherever!
Everyday I am starting to understand more and more how hurt and angry you are at me for my actions including my blatant disregard for my own health and safety and for the position I put you in when I stole money from our mum. I at the time felt like I had to grow up fast because of the world I put myself in, but looking at the shit I have caused now I can see that you HAD to grow up fast and help our family because of my selfishness and disrespect. And I am so so so sorry that I caused that pain for you. I can't ever expect you to forgive me for ruining precious time that the spotlight should have been shinning brightly on you but I caused the attention to follow me wherever I went.
I can't take anything back, including my actions and everything that I regret which has caused you pain, hurt, anger, disappointment or anything else less than a smile. You have never done anything to wrong me or harm me in anyway and to put it bluntly you did not deserve to be put through months of fuck arounds watching your sister slowly try to kill herself.
The times which I did make contact with you I will admit I needed something from you, usually a lift or a feed. I'm not sure if you knew but I was homeless for about a month and a half and slept at the beach not knowing where to go for help. I didn't expect a reply or help from you but I hoped and prayed that you might be having a good day and that you were in a good enough mood to help me out. I understand that I put myself through all of this drama and I take full responsibility for my actions. But what I did not expect was for my little and only sister and my best friend to give up on me without any warning. It's taken me up until now to understand why you've cut all ties (and I would like to sit down at some point to properly discuss things) and I have tried to do the same and move on with my life knowing my sister would rather pretend I don't exist than continue watching me ruin myself and our family. But I can't move on with my life without you in it. You were my first friend, first cuddle buddy, first love, first partner in crime, first everything. Remember when I cried for the whole first week of high school because it was the first time we were properly separated. That's how much I need you.
A few weeks ago, I made the decision to leave you be. To let you heal without me getting involved. I made the decision to not wave you goodbye as you got on that plane to begin your amazing journey. I made the decision to let go of the hope I had of having my best friend back. This decision has rocked my world. There's not a day that goes by that I don't cry about missing my sister and that I need a hug from you but know I can't come and get one.
Dad asked me how things were going between us and I heard his heart break over the phone when I told him that his daughters don't speak anymore. I watched mums heart break while she held back tears when I let her know about my decision to let you go. I'm torn about continuing to fight for you and letting you live your life without me, because you deserve to be fought for, you are worth it, so totally worth it. But in saying this, I break more every single day that I can't even get a "hello" back from you when you walk in the door. Again I don't expect forgiveness or that you will ever see me the same again, but I need you to know how much this decision has affected me, is still affecting me and how much it will continue to affect me every single second of every single day.
I not only want you in my life, I kind of need you. I didn't think I would ever need to rely so much on someone being apart of my life but once again, this know-it-all has been proven wrong. My pride is super jacked up and my stubbornness is taking a huge beating here but, my dearest Jelly Bean, I cannot live without you. Aside from our parents, I loved you first, I love you still, always have and always will.
I do truly hope the family I so desperately dream of having one day doesn't have to just hear stories about their Aunty Jelly Bean, but will get to have your adventure stories told to them by you. You are amazing and truly inspirational, and I can only hope that I get to follow in your footsteps even if it's for a little bit.
I love you gorgeous girl, so much more than you could ever imagine. If I don't hear back from you I completely understand, but I do hope we can have a chat at some stage.
I'm so proud of you Monnie Monster!
Love Courts
Comments
Post a Comment